pg. 210

You have just completed you 310-page autobiography. You flip through your work and randomly land on page 210. What does it say? (I had to write about this prompt for school, and I liked what I produced enough to post it on my blog.)

Finally, after ten years of painstaking measurements, tests, and false alarms, my research was nearing completion. A cure was at hand.

At home, another milestone was reached. Jorma had notified me the night before that he would be having some friends over to study. This struck me as odd because the teenager resembled his mother in his enjoyment of solitary learning sessions. Of course, he had participated in study groups before, even if only to help his peers with difficult material. I guess it was the fact that he had invited whomever they were to the house—not that I had any problem with that. He had never had any house company. It was very…curious.

Anyway, I whipped up a batch of my famous fudge stones because a little ganja takes an hour of studying a long way. They were cooling off on the patio table when I heard Jorma’s car pull into the driveway. Much to my surprise, I looked out the window and saw Jorma walking up the doorsteps not with a group of guys, but with a single girl. She looked Asian American and wore her hair in a ponytail. Judging by her attire—running shorts and a 5k t-shirt with slippers—and fairly toned physique, I figured that she was an athlete. Thinking back, I recalled seeing her walking around campus with a group of like girls. She seemed to be the leader of the group, walking in front of the pack and always conversing with one of the others. I was getting carried away with all these inferences when Jorma yelled out that he was home. Noticing the way he smiled so freely and had a sort of skip in his step, I made one last inference: Jorma had finally found a first love.* So that was why he had been acting to strangely lately! I grew very excited, rushed to the living room, ran back to get the fudge stones, and rushed back down again.

I walked in—or rather stumbled in—on them juggling Jorma Jr. (Jorma Jr. was a small soccer ball I gave to Jorma on his birthday; needless to say, I had taught my son a thing or two about naming inanimate objects.) The girl was surely a soccer player (I have a sixth sense about those things). Good job, son, I thought happily. Jorma was an overall cheerful boy, but I had never seen him glow so much. “Who’s this lovely lady?” I asked. I was trying my best not to embarrass him, but I was not and still am not very skilled at that.

“This is Mika. She’s in my class.” He smiled and furrowed his brow as if to tell me, in our mother-son language, “Mom, don’t embarrass me.”

I subtly raised one eyebrow in response to reassure him of my good intentions and said, “That’s a cool name. What brings you to our humble abode?”

She seemed rather nervous. I could tell because she began to answer me but had to clear her throat and start again; I used to do that all the time when I was a teenager. She was probably worrying about me worrying about her age.** “Jorma wanted to show me his library, and we’re supposed to work on our project. Plus, he tells me that your fudge stones are the best on the island. I’d like to see if he speaks the truth.”

I put on an abashed smile. “Well, I have been refining these brownies since I was in high school, so, if they aren’t that good, I’ve wasted a lot of time. But why don’t you be the judge of that.” I set the tray on the table and each of us took one. Good thinking, Jannel! Fudge stones are the perfect way to weed out the buggers. I kept a close watch on

*This was very important to me as a parent because first loves are either the only loves or the loves that break your heart and set the pace for future loves.

**If you’re not keeping tabs, Jorma was seventeen at the time. As I explained before, he skipped a few grades as a kid, so anyone in his class was most likely three or four years older than him. Personally, I like to follow the Half-Plus-Seven Rule as closely as possible, but I understood that Jorma was very mature for his age.

Jannel's World

On Jannelibithia (a world in the solar system Jacharikrazostonx), there are two massive continents--Adultaea and Kiddaea. All post-Kiddaea persons live in Adultaea, where each Earth country is present and life goes on as it does on Earth. Kiddaea is where the real innovation occurs.

After intensive training conducted by his parents to ensure successful independent life, a child is sent to Kiddaea at the age of eight with nothing but the clothes on his back, his favorite childhood book, an omniball, and a cellphone with only ten minutes of talk time.

THE CLOTHES ON HIS BACK

Are basically whatever he's wearing.

FAVORITE CHILDHOOD BOOK

Books are very important on Jannelibithia (they represent intelligence and imagination, the two most valued values), so one can see right off the back why the favorite childhood book is important. On top of that, the favorite childhood book may contain some reminders or proverbs handwritten by parents.

OMNIBALL

An omniball is a ball that can turn into the ball of any sport ever created before the time of the particular omniball's production.

CELLPHONE WITH TEN MINUTES OF TALK TIME

The cellphone can only be used to call the child's parents. It is meant to be used in times of dire need when a child most direly needs his parents' advice. It has service everywhere and is very hard to break.

Kiddaea is dotted with sports centers and tree cities. In the north are the Deserts of Drosophila; in the south are the Tundras of Taub. The eastern, western, and central regions are woodlands. There is a single giant library in each region.

SPORTS CENTERS

Health is also of much value to Jannelibithians, and the most enjoyable way of maintaining one's health is playing sports.

LIBRARIES

The libraries of Jannelibithia contain books on almost all subjects. They also have lecture halls and conference rooms.

TREE CITIES

Some inhabitants of Jannelibithia prefer to remain stationary and set up inter-connected tree houses. If the number of inter-connected tree houses exceeds 5oo, the group is considered a tree city.

DESERTS OF DROSOPHILA

The Deserts of Drosophila are entirely devoid of fruit flies, and they are deserts.

TUNDRAS OF TAUB

The Tundras of Taub are the coldest places on the planet. A small band of nomads called the Taub Kwon Dodos rome these lands. These big-nosed dwarves are utterly confused 63 percent of the time. They spend 7 percent having epiphanies, the knowledge divulged by which helps many a weary Kiddaean on his Soul Quest. The other 30 percent of their time is used for all those necessities of survival like ice fishing, eating, sleeping, and igloo- building.

EASTERN, WESTERN, AND CENTRAL WOODLANDS

These woodlands are the densest forests on all of Jannelibithia. An abundance of creatures inhabit them. Seeing as the other northern and southern regions have no trees, all the tree cities are located in the woodlands.

A child is sent to Kiddaea in order to conduct his Soul Quest, during which he will discover his Career and Soul Mate. He cannot leave unless he has accomplished his Soul Quest.

CAREER

A Jannelbithian's Career is his occupation in Adultaea. It is much like a job on Earth, but it is actually enjoyed. The libraries of Kiddaea expose Kiddaeans to every Adultaean occupation and provide sufficient information for a reliable decision.

SOUL MATE

A Jannelbithian's Soul Mate is basically his true love, life partner, honey bunches o' oats, etc. If a Soul Mate is found before a Career, the Soul Mate may help him find one.

If a Jannelbithian comes to doubt the result of his Soul Quest, he and his Soul Mate are sent to the House.

THE HOUSE

The House is a large landmass attached to Adultaea in the south. It is much like Kiddaea except that it only bears one giant library.

Januam

For the past couple of months, I've been in religious limbo. None of the religions I've done research on really hit the mark. And frankly, indolence prevents me from continuing my once-eager search. But...I'd still like a lil' sum'n sum'n to stand on, you know. I thought it would be much more fun and worth the effort if I started a new religion. I came up with Januam (yah-noo-am).* The following is an excerpt from the Pamphlet of Januam (I don't want to bore any potential followers with a giant book; I'd like to keep it short and simple). I'll add the rest when I come up with it.

JANUAM

COSMOGONY AND WHATNOT

The beginning we like to acknowledge, the beginning of the universe, wasn’t much of a beginning. It was really just a blip in the eternal eternity of the Head Honcho. It was through Shis** Will that the forces of nature arose; it was through Shis Will that the first atoms breathed not-life. The Head Honcho was always present, is always present, and will always be present. Herm is the space between electrons and nuclei; Herm is the tree that falls in the forest when no one is around to witness; Herm is the tear that is shed in the chlorinated pool. Herm is the unknowable and is consequently the knowable, for something has to take the job. Herm is the only cause, the final effect, the binding between all the individual shreds of this vast space we call existence. It is because of Sherm that science has something to attempt to describe. Herm set turning the gears of the giant watch of everything knowable. Herm is just that, a watchmaker, but Herm does not intervene in the workings of the watch. It was all set, is all set, and will always be set. The minute ticks of the watch are both the effects of the only cause and the causes of the final effect. They are meant to be because Herm set the watch that meant them to be, but we know that Herm is the unknowable and ergo the producer of something unknowable, which in turn produces unknowable circumstances. In short, everything besides the unknowable can be explained by science, but the real science is determining what exactly is knowable. Although in the end, nothing is knowable.

ON THE BODY, BEING AND ESSENCE

Every living thing is composed of three parts.

The least important yet the most tangible of the three is the body. It is exactly what it is and nothing more—a bunch of atoms combined and manipulated so as to give an illusion of life.

The other two components go hand in hand. Being and Essence give true life to a living thing. Together, they compose the Soul.

Essence is the individualizing aspect of the living thing. It is the aggregate of the divers ways in which it reacts to other living things and their actions. It is the sum of desires and abhorrences. It is personality for some; it is lack of personality for others. Essence gives identity. It creates variety, and thus makes life worth living.

Being is the aspect a living thing shares with all other living things. It is the infinitesimal, but to equal extent strong, bit of the Head Honcho, the divine, the unknowable, that every living thing shares with every other living thing. Being gives unity. It creates harmony, and thus makes life worth living.

In sum, the Soul, which is Essence hopelessly bound to Being, is immortal, completely unique, and completely equal to other Souls (through the divinity invested in it). There is a definite number of Souls and a definite number of bodies. Bodies die; souls live on. What body a Soul is incarnated into is completely dependent upon the ticks of Shis magnum opus, the great watch. Where a Soul is excarnated out to is completely unknowable, for when it returns from its resting place, it is entirely devoid of any memory.

ON THE CONTRADICTION

The Cosmogony and Whatnot section stated quite clearly the inevitable uncertainty in everything. The immediately preceding section contradicted this doctrine through its establishment of the three components of living things.

Januam, like every other religion, rests upon the imagination of its founder. Since nothing is knowable, which is the only truth that Januam submits to, religion can only act as collections of guesstimations. In an existence where one cannot know anything, the best one can do is guesstimate. That is why religion is crucial to sanity.

*The word "januam" is Latin for "door".

**"Shis", "Herm", and "Sherm" take the place of "His/Hers", "He/She", and "Him/Her" respectively. The Head Honcho is neither male nor female.

THE TEN SUGGESTIONS

The Ten Suggestions are simply recommendations that, if followed, should lead to a fulfilling life according to the beliefs of Januam.

1. Thou shalt be true to others as well as to thyself.

Lying is denying a portion of one’s self – whether it be from another or from one’s self. (As a matter of Januam fact, lying to another is lying to one’s self and vice versa because there is a piece of the divine uniting one and all.) Such denial is inimical to the sense of gratitude that is essential to a bright, harmonious life. So little truth is known as it is, so woe to the one who worsens the mix.

2. Thou shalt see the best in others. 

The wise prophet Hannah of Montana sang, “Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days.” Indeed, we all should know what she’s talking about because everybody gets that way. One must not judge another on the basis of the other’s faults. This contradicts the divine that resides inside each and every Soul. At the same time, one must value all others as entities in and of themselves that are capable of the most extraordinary acts.

3. Thou shalt not harm another living being out of malice.

Herm has Shis ways, and by Shis ways, beings pass in and out of life, sometimes for the benefit of other beings. (The attempted study of these particular ways is known as ecology.) It is wicked, however, to harm or take the life of another living being while being spurred on by spite. Such is evil for evil’s sake. 

4. Thou shalt be grateful in both prosperity and adversity.

Thoughts of gratitude beget more for one to be grateful for. This makes gratitude especially valuable in adversity. Gratitude also acts as a shield against greed, which corrupts the Essence and hinders the expression of the Being. Gratitude thus precludes excessive want and focuses one’s attention on the greater goods in life that are already within one’s reach.

5. Thou shalt help those in need.

One is all and all is one. Help another, and one helps one’s self. Help another, and one helps all.

6. Thou shalt not let the lesser emotions get the better of thyself.

Love and hate are the two base emotions. From hate come envy, contempt, conceit, impatience, and fear. From love come joy, patience, benevolence, gratitude, and courage. One must submerge one’s self in love in order to be conducive to the overall harmony of Shis watch. In addition, expression of the greater emotions summons even more for one to love by the power of the mind.

7. Thou shalt celebrate diversity.

Diversity arises from the unique Essence in each and every Soul. One should rejoice in the variety of Essences because, as has already been stated, it is this multifariousness of life that makes it worth living. 

8. Thou shalt waste neither thy time nor another’s.

Time is extremely valuable because completion of the Soul Quest is essential to a fulfilling life, and Soul Quests are often very difficult and lengthy. Of course, even after completing the Soul Quest, one’s life is not fulfilled, for one is compelled to live out one’s Purpose in contribution to the overall harmony of Shis watch. It should also be clear that one will want to spend as much time as possible with one’s Soul Mate. It is wicked to intentionally hinder another in the achievement of a fulfilling life, but it stems from Suggestion Five that it is good to aid another in such a cause. One should therefore try to save another’s time whenever possible.

10. Thou shalt strike a balance between the past, present, and future.

It is integral that one learns from the past, lives in the present, and plans for the future. Doing so facilitates the completion of one’s Soul Quest. Lingering too much on past mistakes and dreaming too much of what is to come detracts from one’s life, which is lived in the present. 

Dear Godfamily,

Well, you're leaving in a few days (but you don't need me to tell you that). I hope you guys have as good a time there as I've had with you, and I hope this letter doesn't sound cheesy or corny or peppery.

I'd like to communicate (or try to communicate) to you the impact you've had on me. Here it goes...

Noelle: You're a very funny little girl. Thank you for consistently putting a smile on my face. I'm not sure if you'll ever know who stole the cookies from the cookie jar, but know that you have a godsister who will protect your cookies from further nabbing.

Seth: Thank you for giving me great upper body workouts, which most of my coaches fail to provide. You're a little wild thing, and I love that about you. I'd also like to thank you for being a great hide-and-seek partner. Whenever we hide together, I never have to wait an hour in a cramped space (because we usually are the first to be found).

Maia: Thank you for befriending my sister. I understand how hard it is to keep that friendship up, on account of her extraordinary loserrificness. You're an extremely kind and intelligent girl, and I admire that about you. Thank you for making the world a brighter place. I'd also like to thank you for always taking the brunt of our (mainly Justin's) jokes. I wish I could be as good a sport as you.

Rain and Justin: Thanks for being the coolest playmates I could ever ask for. I don't know if I'll ever find hide-and-seekers, road-trekkers, or slingshot-shooters as good as you--okay, maybe not the last one. Thank you especially for always thrashing me in Halo. (My ego needs to be checked now and then.) Lastly, thank you for putting up with my armpit hugs.

Chloe: What can I say? You endure all my romantic drones, and that's more than any of my friends can vouch for. Thank you for always listening. You keep me sane at the price of your extreme boredom. Thank you for making me a facebook profile (best move evaaah!). Thank you for telling me about TWSS jokes, ______, ______, and all that other stuff that slowly dissolvedmy innocence, but made me more worldly. In the utmost earnestness, thank you for being the coolest teenager I know.

Nino Leo and Nina Eva: Fortunately, I can sum up your section in one sentence: Thank you for being so awesome. But I want to elaborate, so I will. You are two of my greatest supporters. I can't express how much you motivate me whenever you cheer me on at a game or something. I owe quite a portion of my success to you. Thank you for introducing me to Nerf gun fights, simplifiedliving, Glee, blogging, etc. Thank you very much for taking me to the library. That momentous occasion led me to discover the joy of borrowing books and saving money. Again, thank you--thank you all--for being so awesome.

Excuse the weird placement of words and such.

Decreasing Value

What pisses me off the most is overprotection.

It infuriates me--practically to the point of insanity.

Perhaps what I write in this blog is impulsive. Perhaps not. The odds are in favor of the latter.

My tennis coach was drinking Black Tea one day, and a girl went up to him and said, "Coach, don't you know that's bad for you?"

He replied, "Yes, yes it is. But what's worse for me is depriving myself of the things I enjoy. I'd rather die young and happy than old and sad."

I now consider my tennis coach as one of my heroes. I live by that stated creed every day.

Time is the most valuable thing that one can possess. It's value is realized when you spend it wisely. If you go along accumulating time by leading a "safe"--in other words, boring--lifestyle, then the value of your time decreases. And I'm someone who likes to get the most bang for my buck.

(This obviously applies to people who enjoy doing risky things. If you enjoy leading a safe, practical life, then more power--and time--to you.)

Well, I'm just pretty mad about my mother not allowing me to ride my bike to her house. If you understand my creed, then you'll understand why. I enjoy riding my bike, almost as much as I enjoy playing soccer. It makes me feel liberated, independent. I'm not looking to give my mother a heart attack. I'm looking to do something I love.

Parents are always trying to protect their kids. Sometimes, they just protect them from the wrong things.

Twelve Years Later...

Where am I going to be in twelve years? Who am I going to be?

What life will I be living?

These questions were frequent visitors to the confines of my ever-busy mind. Then, I had THE VISION.

After years and years of incessant debating...

Rich or satisfactorily paid?

Alone or with family?

White picket fence or parking meter?

Cat lady or animal-denouncer?

...everything fell together in a few minutes of smooth contemplation.

I know what I want. And here it is:

The big city wakes up.

The honking of cars, the flapping of pigeon wings, the incredible blast of a stereo alarm--those big city sounds begin.

A woman of six-and-twenty years of age rises from bed. It's me.

"Good morning Jasper," I say as I pat my loyal Golden Retriever. He replies with a perky bark, jumps onto my bed, and gives me an affectionate wake-up lick.

"Ready boy?" I walk over to the stereo, lower the volume to a pleasurable setting, and commence with the rest of my morning routine.

Breakfast. "Frosted Flakes are moooooore than good. They're grrrrrreat!" I chant as the favored cereal is prepared. Milk in a separate cup. Just how I like it. Jasper sees my meal and heads to his eating spot.

We finish breakfast. I head to the bathroom. Mirror, good ol' sport, let me give you the time of day.

Blast it. Still got that overbite. Chose to skip out on the ever-popular brace-phase; however, a whitening took place.

I smile with my pearly whites. I love my smile--not out of conceitedness, but contentment. Then, I jump in the shower. I never was one to prolong the bathing experience, so I'm out in a jiffy.

I take a look at that good ol' sport, again, with my treasured smile. Then I break out the toothbrush. Brush, brush, brush...

I get the hair in the identifying ponytail that is Jannel. That didn't change.

Luckily, some things did. No more contacts or glasses. Thank god--no more goggles. That surgery was worth every penny.

I throw on some garb, kick up my Nikes, and walk onto the balcony. Jasper follows, as is custom.

Leaning on the rail, "It's a new day Jasper, ol' pal ol' buddy. Wonderful isn't it?" I speak these words in a hushed tone. The wonder is overwhelming. It's all too perfect. I inhale a big whiff of the big city air--pigeon crap, exhaust, body odor from down below. I suppress a cough and laugh, amused at the fact that I love it. I absolutely love it all. A few more minutes and then it's back inside. I gather all my things. Not much really. Just my money. I never did get a wallet. My license. Though I don't have a car to use it with. My phone. And all my other little bits of whatevers.

I look around my studio condo. Everythings in order. My extensive shelves of books are all safe and strong. My stereo is off. My sofas are...being sofas. My computer is sleeping. My table is clear. My kitchen is tidy. Everything seems to be in order. So simple. So relaxing. So much space.

Bark!

Oh yes, I mustn't forget my good-bye lick. Jasper trots up to me and does exactly that. I return the love--with a pat of course. "See ya later boy." And I leave.

"Hello Tamar." I see my best friend, who resides right across from me. She smiles that loud smile I know and love. We head to the elevator.

"Top o' the mornin to ya Ms. Banks and Ms. Celis," says George, the amiable front-desk-man. "Have a great day at work."

"You too George. Oh yeah! if Jeff stops by, tell him I'm...ummm...dead or something. Make something up. You know the deal." I say with an apprehensive smile. Another one of those corny admirers. Males are still unappealing. "Please and thanks."

"You got it ma'am." He says as he jots a reminder down on his notepad. Tamar hails a cab. We board it; it's a Tuesday, so we let our bikes rest.

[We head to our mutual workplace. A hospital most likely. We both have jobs in the medical field. Or (in Tamar's VISION) we head to our separate workplaces, which happen to be rivaling hospitals.]

Hours are up. Time to head back home.

After laughing hysterically after a nerdy joke was passed, I say, "So, besides that, anything interesting occur?"

"Yeah. This cute guy had an appointment with me. Turns out he needs heart surgery. So [assuming Tamar is a heart surgeon] once I save his life, I might just ask him out to dinner. He's too sweet Jannel. And--get this--he has a British accent!"

"Nice find Tamar. Wait, did you check his marital status? You know what happened last time..." And the conversation continues until we pull up to some Chinese place. "Man. I'm a-hungerin' for some real food. You can only eat so many TV dinners."

"I feel you Jannel. Lucky Ling Chao's has such a convenient location." The Chinese restaurant is right across our condo. We get off the taxi, pay the driver, and walk inside. We're periodic regulars at Chao's. We go through the memorized menu in our heads and immediately order. We're really hungry.

After we finish our meal, we walk home.

"Hey George," we both exclaim as we pass through the building's squeaky-clean glass doors.

"Hey ladies. How was your day?"

"Splendid," answers Tamar.

"Yup," I agree.

"Ms. Banks, I informed Jeff of your unexpected departure into the better place. He expressed his deepest sympathy to Ms. Tamar and left this gift basket he was supposed to give to the living you."

"Thanks George. You can keep it."

"No, thank you ma'am. I love all the gifts your admirers present. Keep it up and I'll have a basement full of delectable wines." Tamar and I laugh and bid farewell till the next day. We head up to our domiciles and part.

I open the door to a playful Jasper. He gets upright and again gives me that affectionate lick of his. "I missed you too buddy."

It's study time. I browse through my great collection of literature and select a rather large volume on quantum mechanics. I sit on my favored sofa and read until I feel heavy-eyed.

Brush, brush, brush, brush...Untie ponytail. Quick shower. Throw on some sleep garb. "Jasper." I call. He prepares his usual spot on my bed. Once he's done, I shut off the light and close my eyes.

The shutting off of cars, the landing of pigeons, the soft respiration of my loyal Golden Retriever--those big city sounds lead me away into Sleepland.

The big city sleeps.

But that's only one uneventful weekday.

How not to break up

Remember that post "Something Better Than Ice Cream and Truffles"? I hope you do, because just like that how to be a bad best friend thing, this post is going to be a what-not-to-do sort of thing.

Today, we'll talk about the proper way to break up if you want to crush someone's feelings and ruin your current relationship--and any other future ones--with them. I would like you to think that this is all hypothetical because, frankly, it's really embarrassing.

1. Location, location, location. It's all about where and when you break up with your partner. A phone break-up early in the morning or a myspace message when the receiver isn't online to respond are both great examples (they let your partner know that you don't give a dang about him/her enough to do it in person). If a break-up occurs in the morning, the heart-broken one will have the whole rest-of-the-day to contemplate it. If they have something important to do, like a swim-meet or play for instance, then that would be a big additive to the overall effect of the parting.

If you would like to show your partner that you have some guts, then by all means, end it in person. There are tons of ways to make this even worse than a myspace message or a phone call. I'll give you a good example:

A girl's boyfriend seems to have joined their school's cross-country team (which she is on as well) to get the chance to see her over the summer. The team has morning practices from 5:30-7:30 at their school. The girl can't stand to be in the relationship any longer, so she chooses the time after the main exercise and cool down (which takes place in the school's parking lot) to bring it to an end.

This situation is a great exemplification of my point. She chose the very-early morning (where everybody is a bit grumpy and restless), and to top it off, she selected a great location. Who wants to be broken up with in a parking lot? No one! That's the beauty of it. Plus, the presence of their cross-country teammates will make it hard for the breakee to express his feelings (i.e. cry, shout in anger, etc.).

2. Okay, you chose your location, now you got to have the conversation. I'll let the example give you some pointers:

The girl finishes her run and walks over to her boyfriend. She calls him away from a conversation he was having with one of his friends and takes him to a free parking space between two not-so-tall cars. "Celery (pretend name of boy), you remind me of Edward Cullen (perfect vampire boyfriend from Twilight)."

Hey, this girl is pretty good. She begins with a metaphor that nobody would connect with breaking up.

"You're smart, kind of look like him in a Japanese-ish way, and judging by your 5k times, you're pretty fast too..."

Great! She complements him. This assures him that the conversation is not even remotely related to breaking up.

"But the thing is, Celery, I'm more of a Team Jacob kind of girl." Celery looks confused. Carrot (pretend name of girl) continues, "If you don't get it, I'm breaking up with you." Celery continues to look confused. "I'm. Breaking. Up. With. You."

This girl's good enough to be a teacher of the subject! She ABRUPTLY suppresses all his hope in two sentences, and STRESSES the fact that she was breaking up with him--no mercy at all!

"I never really liked liked you. I thought you were cute and nice and all, but everybody just assumed that I, you know, liked you. I felt pressured into saying yes by my friends and stuff. So yeah. Please don't feel bad. I mean, I really really like you as a friend. I think that's why I'm doing this. I like you better as a friend, so I hope we do continue to be friends. "

"Ok...," says Celery, who still has a confused look on his face.

"Yup, well...that's it." Carrot runs into the gym to get a drink of water because she forgot to do so after her run.

Carrot zooms through the conversation and leaves little space for Celery to put the pieces together--to get a better understanding. (She also must have diminished Celery's self-confidence when she said that she never really liked liked him.) As for the ending, way to go Carrot! As suddenly as it starts, it ends. She runs, giving Celery the idea that she has better things to do than answer his questions.

3. What if he does ask questions? What then? Here comes the example to answer those questions:

Practice is over, and Carrot is walking to the locker room. Celery comes through the gym door and says, "Wait Carrot! Can you explain why again?" Carrot sighs/exhales deeply.

The incorporation of a sigh implies that Carrot wants Celery to leave her alone already.

"Celery, it's not you; it's me."

Nice phrase. It's the oldest one in the book.

"I mean, you'd be a perfect boyfriend for any other girl, just not this one. I'm guess I'm kind of weird. Well, I guess that's it again." Carrot walks briskly into the locker room leaving Celery alone in the dust.

Carrot says the words quickly once again and acts as if it's not a big deal. She also leaves Celery with no comfort words at all.

4. You completed the break-up. Now, you have to follow through. Have no communication whatsoever with your ex-partner even though you said that you really wanted to be friends. Soon, it will seem to you like you never went out with him/her; however, your ex-whatever will be scarred for quite a long time.

There you have it. Another great what-not-to-do manual by this one kid.

*Important*

NOT APART OF THE MANUAL

If you really don't like your partner (as in everything he/she does irritates the hell out of you or something to that effect), then you must break up as soon as possible. Leading him/her on will not help your cause. Try to end it as nicely as possible by doing the exact opposite of the above manual.