Today, we'll talk about the proper way to break up if you want to crush someone's feelings and ruin your current relationship--and any other future ones--with them. I would like you to think that this is all hypothetical because, frankly, it's really embarrassing.
1. Location, location, location. It's all about where and when you break up with your partner. A phone break-up early in the morning or a myspace message when the receiver isn't online to respond are both great examples (they let your partner know that you don't give a dang about him/her enough to do it in person). If a break-up occurs in the morning, the heart-broken one will have the whole rest-of-the-day to contemplate it. If they have something important to do, like a swim-meet or play for instance, then that would be a big additive to the overall effect of the parting.
If you would like to show your partner that you have some guts, then by all means, end it in person. There are tons of ways to make this even worse than a myspace message or a phone call. I'll give you a good example:
A girl's boyfriend seems to have joined their school's cross-country team (which she is on as well) to get the chance to see her over the summer. The team has morning practices from 5:30-7:30 at their school. The girl can't stand to be in the relationship any longer, so she chooses the time after the main exercise and cool down (which takes place in the school's parking lot) to bring it to an end.
This situation is a great exemplification of my point. She chose the very-early morning (where everybody is a bit grumpy and restless), and to top it off, she selected a great location. Who wants to be broken up with in a parking lot? No one! That's the beauty of it. Plus, the presence of their cross-country teammates will make it hard for the breakee to express his feelings (i.e. cry, shout in anger, etc.).
2. Okay, you chose your location, now you got to have the conversation. I'll let the example give you some pointers:
The girl finishes her run and walks over to her boyfriend. She calls him away from a conversation he was having with one of his friends and takes him to a free parking space between two not-so-tall cars. "Celery (pretend name of boy), you remind me of Edward Cullen (perfect vampire boyfriend from Twilight)."
Hey, this girl is pretty good. She begins with a metaphor that nobody would connect with breaking up.
"You're smart, kind of look like him in a Japanese-ish way, and judging by your 5k times, you're pretty fast too..."
Great! She complements him. This assures him that the conversation is not even remotely related to breaking up.
"But the thing is, Celery, I'm more of a Team Jacob kind of girl." Celery looks confused. Carrot (pretend name of girl) continues, "If you don't get it, I'm breaking up with you." Celery continues to look confused. "I'm. Breaking. Up. With. You."
This girl's good enough to be a teacher of the subject! She ABRUPTLY suppresses all his hope in two sentences, and STRESSES the fact that she was breaking up with him--no mercy at all!
"I never really liked liked you. I thought you were cute and nice and all, but everybody just assumed that I, you know, liked you. I felt pressured into saying yes by my friends and stuff. So yeah. Please don't feel bad. I mean, I really really like you as a friend. I think that's why I'm doing this. I like you better as a friend, so I hope we do continue to be friends. "
"Ok...," says Celery, who still has a confused look on his face.
"Yup, well...that's it." Carrot runs into the gym to get a drink of water because she forgot to do so after her run.
Carrot zooms through the conversation and leaves little space for Celery to put the pieces together--to get a better understanding. (She also must have diminished Celery's self-confidence when she said that she never really liked liked him.) As for the ending, way to go Carrot! As suddenly as it starts, it ends. She runs, giving Celery the idea that she has better things to do than answer his questions.
3. What if he does ask questions? What then? Here comes the example to answer those questions:
Practice is over, and Carrot is walking to the locker room. Celery comes through the gym door and says, "Wait Carrot! Can you explain why again?" Carrot sighs/exhales deeply.
The incorporation of a sigh implies that Carrot wants Celery to leave her alone already.
"Celery, it's not you; it's me."
Nice phrase. It's the oldest one in the book.
"I mean, you'd be a perfect boyfriend for any other girl, just not this one. I'm guess I'm kind of weird. Well, I guess that's it again." Carrot walks briskly into the locker room leaving Celery alone in the dust.
Carrot says the words quickly once again and acts as if it's not a big deal. She also leaves Celery with no comfort words at all.
4. You completed the break-up. Now, you have to follow through. Have no communication whatsoever with your ex-partner even though you said that you really wanted to be friends. Soon, it will seem to you like you never went out with him/her; however, your ex-whatever will be scarred for quite a long time.
There you have it. Another great what-not-to-do manual by this one kid.
*Important*
NOT APART OF THE MANUAL
If you really don't like your partner (as in everything he/she does irritates the hell out of you or something to that effect), then you must break up as soon as possible. Leading him/her on will not help your cause. Try to end it as nicely as possible by doing the exact opposite of the above manual.
